National Geographic Just Sent Me a Crystal Healing Water Bottle

So Nat Geo is going to air a new documentary about Earth, and as part of their advertising, they sent boxes of stuff to journalists. That’s fine, I suppose. Get people who write about such things to become interested. If there was going to be a documentary about dinosaurs, you might expect the box to contain a book about dinosaurs, maybe a toy/replica dinosaur, some brochures about dinosaurs, a dinosaur poster…. that sort of thing. A documentary about Earth? One thing I would *not* expect is a glass water bottle with *another* glass bottle *inside* it, with the inner bottle filled with cheap gemstones because gems and crystals have Magic Healing Powers.

No, really. That’s what National Geographic sent.

The water bottle itself cost more than seventy friggen dollars, because apparently the world is full of rich assholes who think that magic rocks are A Thing That Works.

it contains “carefully selected and ethically sourced gemstones representing the building blocks of earth,” including “wood,” “water,” “earth,” “metal” and “fire.”

Ummm. The building blocks of Earth are iron, nickel, aluminum, oxygen and silicon, mostly. The planet is hardly made of “wood,” and the “water” is mostly a thin coating on the surface. “Metal” is a little vague, but I can go with it; “fire” is again purely a surface phenomenon, and there far less common than water. I guess they nailed it with saying that “earth” is a building bock of “Earth,” though.

Gems raise the energy level of water. That’s been known for hundreds of years and scientifically proven.

This makes me want to do unpleasant and antisocial things to whoever wrote that.

You know what actually raises the energy level of water? Heat.  You know what doesn’t? Putting room-temperature rocks into room temperature water. Unless those rocks are phosphorus or lithium or some such, the energy level of the water will remain essentially unchanged.

I looked up the water bottle. It’s available on Amazon for $78. It’s here in a normal blog post where I’d tend to put a link to the Amazon listing, a link that would earn me a pittance if someone actually bought the thing. But buggered if I’m’a gonna contribute to selling such nonsensical woo-based gibberish. You want to buy one of these things, you go look it up yourself. Maybe, like the National Geographic representative who responded to the journalist, you think this would make a funny, ironic gift for the science type in your life. Or maybe you think it’d be pretty. Those are valid reasons for spending your money however you’d like, no worse than buying a Pet Rock or a copy of the latest Hillary Clinton book for use at the range. But if you actually think that putting a sealed container of inert rocks into a water bottle will do *anything* to materially improve the water… well, I’ll be diplomatic and say “ahhh… no.”

For your rage-reading edification, I went to the website of the water bottle company, and here’s some of what they say:

Following age-old traditions, we created gemstone vials to hygienically inspirit drinking water.

“Hygiencally inspirit?” “Inspirit???” I had to look that one up. Guess whether or not it even has a listing on dictionary.com. Go on, guess.

We offer several different gem blends, tested by naturopaths and based on the insights of modern crystal healing. Their scientifically proven efficiency make them an essential accessory in health-seeking households worldwide.

Naturopathy is humbug on par with homeopathy. “Modern crystal healing” should not be used adjacent to “scientifically proven” unless there is a properly placed “not” in there.

There are several “gem pods” you can buy, each with supposedly their own utility, from “wellness” to “love” to “inspiration.” Then there’s the “Forever Young” gem pod: