Sep 192017
 

Feel free to insert your preferred political rant HERE. I’m’a go with “something something anti-science where are Penn & Teller…”

Psychic Vampire Repellent

A spray-able elixir we can all get behind, this protective mist uses a combination of gem healing and deeply aromatic therapeutic oils, reported to banish bad vibes (and shield you from the people who may be causing them). Fans spray generously around their heads to safeguard their auras.

One might be tempted to think this is a gag gift, And for the Newage sucker in your life, it might serve fine in that capacity… but not for no damn thirty bucks. Behold:

“Sonically tuned gem elixers.”

Sonically tuned gem elixers.

Reiki charged crystals.

Seriously, somebody’s raking in the cash and laughing their keisters off. *At* *best* this would be…. what? Water that was poured over a rock? Has some sand or sand powder in it? Or is the photo accurate, and the spritz bottle actually has some aquarium pebbles in the bottom of it?

 

But wait! There’s more!

Chill Child – Kid Calming Mist

For getting the kiddos to chill, this aromatherapy mist is incredible: in addition to uplifting rosewater, cleansing sea salt, and therapeutic-grade oils of lavender, jasmine, chamomile, and geranium, it also contains a blend of sonically tuned gem elixirs (amethyst, jade, selenite, and rose quartz) and tiny, Reiki-charged crystals. It also smells incredible—misted into the air, this magic elixir can instantly soothe virtually anyone’s energy. To use, shake gently, then spray into the air around your wild child’s aura to restore peace to the environment (avoid spraying near the eyes, and do not ingest or inhale).

Honetly. Why don’t *I* ever think of things like this? Can you imagine a better way to get idiot newagers to throw money at you than to fill small spray bottles with municipal tap water and a spoon full of colored pebbles? I sure can’t… and sadly, I didn’t.

But, maybe this gives me a very bad idea: homeopathic nuclear bombs. I just need to find a sample of muromontite (a naturally occurring mixture of uranium and beryllium which results in trace amounts of plutonium) and then put that sample in a gallon of water, then mix that gallon of water with another thousand gallons or so, then pour it out into two-liter bottles and slap an “all natural H-Bomb” sticker on the side and sell to the Norks. I wonder if that’s the sort of thing the FBI and NSA would allow to happen, or if they’d shut it down because they, too, have been infected with newage and think that maybe it would actually work?

Or how about this: take the idea of a spray bottle with some shiny rocks in it, slap a label yammering on about all the psychic benefits… but instead of “psychic vampire repellent” or the like, say it’s “Nazi repellent.” It’d probably sell like hotcakes on many a college campus, and chances are really good that you could claims that it works successfully, because what are the chances that anyone’s going to actually run into an actual Nazi these days?

Alternative: call it “authoritarian fascist repellent,” and fill it full of cadaverine and sell it to campus cause-heads, with instructions that say to spray it on *themselves.* If they complain that it makes them stink and they don’t like it, point out that apparently it’s working correctly.

 Posted by at 5:55 pm
  • Nick Gaston

    …so is the spray psychic, or does it only reply vampires that are psychic themselves?

    • Paul451

      In the parlance, psychic-vampires are vampires of the psyche. They feed on your mojo rather than sucking your blood.

      I fend them off by having a toxic psyche.

      • Peter Hanely

        So, does this spray repel SJWs?

        • KellyFromMesquite

          Only if it’s body deodorant.

  • allen

    http://www.thedailybeast.com/reptile-cult-feud-over-raw-meat-ends-in-death

    but will it repel a Vampire Witch Reptilian Super Soldier?

    and why does that sound like an awesome multi-class character in D&D?

    • robunos20

      >The steak tartare conflict was still raw . . . :-^b

    • Scottlowther

      That there is just a whole lot of crazy.

  • Herp McDerp

    Honetly. Why don’t *I* ever think of things like this? Can you imagine a
    better way to get idiot newagers to throw money at you than to fill
    small spray bottles with municipal tap water and a spoon full of colored
    pebbles? I sure can’t… and sadly, I didn’t.

    There are times when I think it’s our duty to relieve stupid people of their unwanted excess cash. The trouble is that we can’t really imagine how stupid some people can be. And really, I think we’re happier believing that our fellow humans are smarter than this … even though we’re often wrong.

    Just remember, Scott — the people who buy the stuff advertised in Goop … also vote.

    • KellyFromMesquite

      It’s so lonely at the top of the IQ pyramid, ask me and I’ll tell you about it. Wait, you don’t even have to ask!

  • Bob

    I don’t hold with these new fangeled innovations. I’m going to stick to a string of garlic around my neck. It repels vampires. And everything else come to think of it.

  • Garrai

    Well let’s see, Dragoncon, Comiccon, Minecon, that suffix “con” seems to be a common element in the title. People who pay hundreds, even thousands of dollars to attend these gatherings think nothing of dropping $30 for memorabilia and other detritus.

    • Paul451

      that suffix “con” seems to be a common element in the title

      “Convention”.

    • Scottlowther

      > People who pay hundreds, even thousands of dollars to attend these
      gatherings think nothing of dropping $30 for memorabilia and other
      detritus.

      They’re paying that money to get useless gewgaws… but they are useless gewgaws that are what they say they are. Me, personally… got no use for a signed photo of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or an officially licensed piece of kitsch from “Twilight.” But those things are what they are. But a bottle of psychic vampire repellent? It’s hardly likely to be what it says it is.

      • publiusr

        Well–there actually is a kid-calmer. Casey Anthony proved that…

  • Bruce

    So where is the zombie repellent?….I haven’t seen that one yet.

    • robunos20

      Zombies can’t smell, or they’d be repelled by each other . . .

      • Paul451

        How do they tell between infected and food?

        • Scottlowther

          The thing about zombies – *real* zombies, you know, actually-dead and walking around, not “infected and just acting wacky” like in 28 Days Later – is that there is no getting past the fact that they are violating the laws of physics. Zombies can’t happen without magic or the supernatural. And so once you accept that, any other question you might have is answerable with “it’s a miracle.”

        • robunos20

          I have absolutely no idea . . . I was making an attempt at humour, based on the principle that zombies are rotting corpses, which would be repellant anyway . . .

  • Thucydides_of_Athens

    I suppose for ultimate snark you could advertise your wares in these publications, just adding the requisite “energetically charged magnetic ink” used to print the blueprints and diagrams…It might be an interesting experiment to see just how many people actually buy that.

    I think the other part that keeps most people out of the snake oil sales market is a certain sense of honour or at least consciousness that what they are doing is wrong.

    • Paul451

      I think the other part that keeps most people out of the snake oil sales market is a certain sense of honour or at least consciousness that what they are doing is wrong.

      I think there are two effects, the disbelief that you can get away with it (“No-one would be stupid enough…”) and the realisation that you have to deal with the customers (frequent online aura/psychic/magic forums, attend Psychic Expos, etc) and you just can’t handle the thought of being around these people. (If only there was a spray to protect yourself …)

      And in the case of the former, I think there’s a tendency to not go stupid enough to break through the noise of similar products. If you were trying to market a magic spray to the stupid, would you come up with something as obviously ridiculous as Psychic Vampire Repellent? But it’s like Nigerian spam, where they deliberately use typos and over-the-top claims in order to weed out everyone except the ultra-gullible.

      • Thucydides_of_Athens

        I have to agree with the disbelief/realization of what sorts of people you are dealing with reasoning. Running into these people is mind bending enough one on one, an entire convention……