After all the buildup, Valerian was just sorta… there. It was real pretty, to be sure, but the characters were bleah, the plot was almost incomprehensible, and it was just not terribly fun. I, like I’m sure millions of others, was hoping for a 21st century “Fifth Element,” with all the goofy wonderfulness, but Valerian just isn’t it.
Maybe it’s a good take on the original French graphic novel, but on it’s own… shrug. There were a few interesting ideas, like the multi-dimensional market (which, to be honest, makes nearly as much sense as a virtual reality market), but there were at least an equal number of inconsistencies and errors that yoinked me right out of the story. Alpha, the “City of a Thousand Planets,” is actually the International Space Station. The ISS is shown at the beginning slowly growing as more and more nations join up and add on; a kinda neat though unlikely idea. Then aliens show up and use the “Alpha” station as the place to introduce themselves, and they add on. And then more aliens, and more and more… Eventually Alpha gets too big to stay in Earth orbit and needs to be moved. OK, sure. But where is the gorram thing? At one point it’s described as having moved 700 million miles. Other times it seems to be lightyears away from anywhere.
Later in the movie, the heart of Alpha is shown, including some of the original ISS bits. One of which is an Apollo Command *AND* Service Module. The frak? This is then described as the “2005 Destiny module.” The frell? Sigh.
And in a trope that can’t die soon enough, we’re treated to another smegging “love is one of the greatest powers in the universe blah, blah, blah” lectures near the end of the movie.
Those who’ve read my “Zaneverse” stories know that the male human lead is romantically interested in the female human lead. The same is true in Valerian, only much more openly so. But the chemistry is so lacking between the two that you Just Don’t Care.
Oh well.