Back in the day, Christians (and Jews before them, and no doubt a whole bunch of other people) would now and then get tossed into a cage with a lion by the local political system for punishment or entertainment.Over the centuries this has come to be seen not so much as a horrible, stupid thing, but a “wow, aren’t martyrs awesome” thing. And since for some reason some people have gotten it into their heads that martyrdom is something to strive for or emulate, rather than something to be fought till the last, some people have something of a romantic notion about lions. Some people seem to think that God will protect them from lions real and metaphorical if their faith is strong enough.

Some people actually put that to the test. And while these people may very well have extremely strong faith that God will protect them… it’s clear that often enough the lions don’t share that faith. Gentlemen, behold:

Lion nearly killed prophet after botched miracle

The Christian “prophet” saw some lions gnawing upon an impala and decided to dash out of his car and charge towards them. The lions, in turn, decided that the prophet would make a fine snack, and charged towards *him.* The prophet had a sudden moment of clarity, turned, ran back to the car and discovered that lions are *fast.* And, well…

But before he could safely reach the confines of the car, one lion had snapped its paws on him thus causing major damage to his toilet sitting tool.

I’ve never heard of the buttocks referred to as a “toilet sitting tool,” but… well, it’s certainly applicable.

Now, how did the prophet survive? Did a flock of angels descend from Heaven? Did the lions suddenly convert? Nope. The park ranger with the group fired off a firearm, scaring the lions away; *doctors* then patched the guy up. The sciences of metallurgy, chemistry, physics (ballistics) and modern medicine saved the day.