Because that’d be fricken’ hilarious.

CIA ‘rectal fed and watered’ at least five detainees

Expect the 6,000+ page report on CIA torture to be The Big News for the next few weeks, with American media outlets tearing the thing apart word by word looking for details. You know, just like they *didn’t* do with the less-than-half-as-long Obamacare bill…

One of the claims is that torture proved pointless for getting actionable intelligence. Quite possible… the history of torture is replete with people saying whatever they think the torturer wants to hear. But if it’s true, then it indicates that the CIA really needs to streamline the process: line up a dozen or more captives (specifically, those caught engaged in combat but not wearing a recognizable uniform, thus putting them outside the protections of the Geneva conventions), gagged, bound but with eyes and ears open. Go to #1 and ask: “Gonna tell us what we want to know?” If he says “No,” you shoot him in the gut and move on to #2, rinse and repeat. At the end you take the remains, load them onto a C-17 and drop them behind enemy lines from 45,000 feet or so. A hell of a lot simpler, fast, cheaper than years of Guantanamo.

For extra awesomeness: take Dead Surt Worshipping Jihadi, freeze him solid within a special laser guided bomb casing (with the void volume filled with frozen Pykrete), and then use said LGB as a precision, low-collateral-damage way to take out specific high-value targets.