Unwanted Phone Call Suggestions

Dec 102014

About a month ago my land line started getting flooded with telemarketers and the like; didn’t stop until I re-upped on the federal Do Not Call List (I guess signing up isn’t a “forever” sort of thing…). Since then the calls have died down. But there’s a current Fark thread that has some entertaining alternative suggestions:

How to stop those annoying nuisance phone calls? Whisper into the phone quietly and say “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere,” give it a few seconds then hang up

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I’ve always heard that the best way is to replace your answering machine message with the 3-note line-disconnected tone. Automated dialer systems will hear the tone and register that the number is invalid and remove it from their system.

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The new one going around here is the fake IRS scam — the caller tells you that you’re behind some outrageous sum and the police are being dispatched BUT if you go online and buy a Visa gift card and read them the number they’ll let you off the hook for pennies on the dollar.

I got one on my cell phone while I was helping my Dad sight in his rifle for deer season a few weeks back.

I told the scammer “Oh God! Yes, I don’t want to be arrested, I’m going to get one of those cards now!” then I paused and screamed “A POLICE CAR IS OUTSIDE! YOU LIED TO ME! DIE COP! DIIIIE!!” and fired the rifle until it was empty. The guy hung up, which was sad because I’d really like to have said “I guess you better send more cops”

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I know one person who has just started answering his phone with “FBI Consumer Fraud Division can I help you” to numbers that have no caller ID info or caller ID info he does not recognize. I am not sure it is the best idea (impersonation issues) but it sure shuts down a lot of calls fast.

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I pick up and before they can say word one I tell them that the phone call is being recorder for quality assurances purposes. Do they agree to this. If they say yes I then ask them if they have accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior.

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I just sing to them. Seriously, start belting out some Stevie Wonder “Sunshine of my Life” or Danzing “Mother” and you’ll have a dial tone in seconds.

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“I think the best way to deal with telemarketers is to make their job way harder than they thought it was going to be. ‘Why should I switch my long-distance service when I’m going to kill myself as soon as I hang up?'”

-Andy Blitz (paraphrased)

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[youtube cIVfrBFc5og]

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Now, my typical response to a call from an unrecognized number is along the lines of last weeks call:

*Ring*
“I am Groot”
“Hello? I’m calling on behalf of-”
“I am Groot?”
“-The Nashville Fire Department to inform you of our new fund drive to help-”
“I AM GROOOOT!”
“-we’re sorry to have disturbed you sir.’
“I am Groo-”
*click*

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