Feel free to insert your preferred political rant HERE. I’m’a go with “something something anti-science where are Penn & Teller…”

Psychic Vampire Repellent

A spray-able elixir we can all get behind, this protective mist uses a combination of gem healing and deeply aromatic therapeutic oils, reported to banish bad vibes (and shield you from the people who may be causing them). Fans spray generously around their heads to safeguard their auras.

One might be tempted to think this is a gag gift, And for the Newage sucker in your life, it might serve fine in that capacity… but not for no damn thirty bucks. Behold:

“Sonically tuned gem elixers.”

Sonically tuned gem elixers.

Reiki charged crystals.

Seriously, somebody’s raking in the cash and laughing their keisters off. *At* *best* this would be…. what? Water that was poured over a rock? Has some sand or sand powder in it? Or is the photo accurate, and the spritz bottle actually has some aquarium pebbles in the bottom of it?

But wait! There’s more!

Chill Child – Kid Calming Mist

For getting the kiddos to chill, this aromatherapy mist is incredible: in addition to uplifting rosewater, cleansing sea salt, and therapeutic-grade oils of lavender, jasmine, chamomile, and geranium, it also contains a blend of sonically tuned gem elixirs (amethyst, jade, selenite, and rose quartz) and tiny, Reiki-charged crystals. It also smells incredible—misted into the air, this magic elixir can instantly soothe virtually anyone’s energy. To use, shake gently, then spray into the air around your wild child’s aura to restore peace to the environment (avoid spraying near the eyes, and do not ingest or inhale).

Honetly. Why don’t *I* ever think of things like this? Can you imagine a better way to get idiot newagers to throw money at you than to fill small spray bottles with municipal tap water and a spoon full of colored pebbles? I sure can’t… and sadly, I didn’t.

But, maybe this gives me a very bad idea: homeopathic nuclear bombs. I just need to find a sample of muromontite (a naturally occurring mixture of uranium and beryllium which results in trace amounts of plutonium) and then put that sample in a gallon of water, then mix that gallon of water with another thousand gallons or so, then pour it out into two-liter bottles and slap an “all natural H-Bomb” sticker on the side and sell to the Norks. I wonder if that’s the sort of thing the FBI and NSA would allow to happen, or if they’d shut it down because they, too, have been infected with newage and think that maybe it would actually work?

Or how about this: take the idea of a spray bottle with some shiny rocks in it, slap a label yammering on about all the psychic benefits… but instead of “psychic vampire repellent” or the like, say it’s “Nazi repellent.” It’d probably sell like hotcakes on many a college campus, and chances are really good that you could claims that it works successfully, because what are the chances that anyone’s going to actually run into an actual Nazi these days?

Alternative: call it “authoritarian fascist repellent,” and fill it full of cadaverine and sell it to campus cause-heads, with instructions that say to spray it on *themselves.* If they complain that it makes them stink and they don’t like it, point out that apparently it’s working correctly.