May 312014

Bowe Bergdahl, Army Sergeant Held by Taliban Since 2009, Is Released

Not so much “released,” as “exchanged.” For five stellar individuals that had been held in Guantanamo: Mohammad Fazl, Mullah Norullah Noori, Mohammed Nabi, Khairullah Khairkhwa, and Abdul Haq Wasiq.

There is an interesting statement in the article:

Hagel said security measures are in place to ensure the national security of the United States would not be compromised by the prisoners’ release.

Now, if this was a better world, we could assure that these guys would present no threat to the security of the US because we secretly replaced their Folgers Crystals with polonium 210 on the flight to Qatar, or they swallowed capsules containing small explosive devices, or we’ve Manchurian Candidate reprogrammed them, or we showed them secret footage of disguised Navy SEALS driving nuclear weapons around Certain Holy Cities. But I suspect, given the current feckless administration, that we just asked them really nicely to promise to not do anything naughty in the future.

And then there’s THIS WRINKLE in the story:

Rep. Buck McKeon, the chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, and Sen. Jim Inhofe, the ranking member of the Senate Armed Services Committee…

“In executing this transfer, the president also clearly violated laws which require him to notify Congress 30 days before any transfer of terrorists from Guantanamo Bay and to explain how the threat posed by such terrorists has been substantially mitigated,” they continued. “Our joy at Sergeant Berghdal’s release is tempered by the fact that President Obama chose to ignore the law, not to mention sound policy, to achieve it.”

 Posted by at 2:39 pm
  • Anonymous

    I’d settle for Running Man style collars that, if fiddled with or travel anywhere in the Western Hemisphere explode. Just enough to sever their spine though. Wouldn’t want to enable them to become suicide bombers. Better still, just have a small implant that wraps around their spinal column at the neck. Paralyze them from the neck down so they simply fall over and eventually die.

  • RoucheX

    Threaten to nuke innocent civilians?


    • Anonymous

      Easy there princess.

      • Anonymous

        Quick! To the fainting couch!

        • Anonymous

          And some Mint julep…

    • Anonymous

      > Threaten to nuke innocent civilians?

      If that’s what it takes. I’ve seen (and described hereabouts previously) the effectivity of describing to a religious nutbag just what a megaton-class citybuster will do to his favorite grotty little holy site. If the mere threat of that will turn a scumbag threat into a non-threat, then, woo! If it will reduce him to a gibbering wreck who will instill fear into his comrades when he is dumped on their doorstep, even better.

      Although I am coming to like the idea of planting some sort of RFID tags in them. Keep tabs on them. Track them. Then, as needed and appropriate, and especially when it would be dramatic, mythic and, if at all possible, hilarious, drop the corpse of an elephant on them from a C-17 at 35,000 feet.

      • Michael the Somewhat Civilized

        I find your approach to be quite reasonable. They hate pigs more than they hate elephants, but it would mean losing some bacon if pigs were used.

        • Anonymous

          I’d thought about suggesting pigs, but even the biggest hogzilla is nowhere near the Mighty Lump that an adult elephant would be. Of course, we could maybe talk to the Japanese; I bet a Minke whale would fit in a C-17. With the addition of a few fabric fins on the tail flukes, it might even bust Mach 1 on the way down, but I have doubts. The trick would be getting good aim.

          Of course, I’m of the opinion that cetaceans are fairly intelligent, getting within spittin’ distance of Citizen Level, so using whales in the fashion unsettles me a tad. But you use what you’ve got, I suppose.

          Another possibility: build the largest possible GPS-guided bomb out of lightweight materials. But instead of filling it with high explosives, empty the relevant air bases septic system into it. A few dozen tons of shinola landing on a target would not only do the job, it would also probably serve to make anyone within a few kilometers downwind want to make sure that none of the other targets are anywhere near them.

          Perhaps much smaller GPS guided bombs, perhaps drone-dropped, that are filled with cadaverine, putrescine or the like. A hundred pounds of the stuff would not only do a good job of eliminating the target, it would also make *removal* of the targets remains a seriously unpleasant chore.

          • Siergen
          • Michael the Somewhat Civilized

            I have the same hesitation about using whales, and for the same reason. However, it does inspire an idea: dropping fish guts over a target. Spreading it like fertilizer. And of course one could always use lots of small pigs. Someone needs to write a book about the military uses of stinky things.

          • Anonymous

            > Spreading it like fertilizer.

            Gets me thinking. It would be location-dependent, of course, but how about this: you find someone you decide to take out. So… a fast, relatively small cargo plane comes in and unloads a carefully aimed boulder on him. A few tons worth of rock lands Just So. A few minutes later – long enough for panic to spread and people to scatter, but not long enough for anyone to do anything about Squishy McDeadguy, more cargo planes come in. They dump large cargo containers made from celluloid, magnesium or some similarly easily-dissolved/burned structural material. The cargo containers are GPS guided with large paper-based parafoils. They cruise in to the target site and start unloading many tons of rock, gravel, wet cement, then sand and dirt. A few thousand tons of the stuff should bury the site nicely in a small hill.

            Last step: a rain of dirt & grass seed. A nice green hillock covering a now-deceased evil.

          • “The cargo containers are GPS guided with large paper-based parafoils.”

            “RUN! It’s a cruise hang-glider!”

          • I like the septic system. Just include a note: “This time, we’re just shitting you. Next time, you get the real deal.”

  • Joe

    Interesting. I’ve always understood Americans to believe their nation is an honourable one. What does your suggestions about murdering these men after they have been released do to that belief?

    • Anonymous

      Who said anything about murdering them? They’re military enemies.Killing them is appropriate.

      • Completely and totally so.
        Sometimes I’ve thought our ‘honorable actions’ have severely hampered us in the WoT. We follow the Geneva convention, while our enemies have no such rules.
        Does it make sense to follow the rules of a game (not that I’m looking at war as sport) when your opponent doesn’t?

    • John Simpson

      And no, it tries to be honorable and given the reality of the world that’s quite an effort in itself.

      Where are you from, Spanky?