“Utah sucks”

Utah, when it’s referenced in a movie, is often enough the butt of jokes. Such as:

Go and hide out somewhere. San Diego, Tahiti, Utah. No! Not Utah. Utah sucks.

And hey, that’s fine. Because clearly, this place is horrible. I mean, look at this:

You see those clouds? Know what they’re made of? Dihydrogen monoxide!!!! That’s used in evil, horrible nuclear reactors! And these Utahns aren’t doing anything about it!

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This is the view from the side of the road on the way to Wal-Mart. The horrors!

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Look! Not a single skyscraper, smokestack or Starbucks in sight!

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This is the view from across the street. Notice the shocking lack of Urban Beautification Projects, like massive impersonal low income housing apartment blocks!

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Another shocking view from across the street. Where’s the Urban Street Art?

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The view from my back yard. Notice something missing? That’s right! No crowds of smelly hippies protesting every damned thing! How is a person to know what to think without a mob telling him? And look… more of that dihydrogen monoxide!!!
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A view from about 2 miles from my home. And you know what? The traffic is so bad here, it took me almost two minutes to drive those two miles! And there wasn’t a single carpool lane or light rail system from here to there!

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This sight is just… indescribably terrifying. And in the foreground… GASP! Herons! Please, won’t somebody think of the children? They could get Bird Flu!

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About four miles from home, the horrors just compound. A child could get hurt on that hill! or… horrors of horrors, someone might actually use the area around there for target practice!!!!

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Let’s face it: who could look upon these views and *not* want to spend one’s life in a hideously expensive apartment in some wretched coastal city slaving day in/day out to make enough money to pay the rent and parking fees and super double venti grande mochas and listen to blaring stereo systems screeching out “Gangsta Rap’s Greatest Hits” followed shortly after by the sound of police sirens and choppers flying low with searchlights blazing and the air filled with the smells of gasoline and garbage and desperation and all the streets filled with potholes and creepy urine stained bums?